Who doesn’t love an argument? More importantly, who doesn’t love an endless argument? The kind that arcs asymptotically toward a resolution as real as us taking a boat and rowing out to touch the horizon. Understandably the two parties have reached the point where the onlookers have moved on to other desultory topics and provide a cocoon of white noise for the two protagonists to thrust and parry with what they consider fresher, sharper, and nuanced arguments, but are in reality rehashed re-runs (the tautology is necessary) of many a tired riposte that should have been redacted from conversation by common consent. By now id has gained absolute control of the tongue and has in-parallel managed to block the aural receptacles and/or disarmed hammer, stirrup, and anvil from transmitting the incoming auditory waves to the appropriate port that connects through the designated neural pipeline to the decoder in the cranial mass.
It is at this juncture, though preferably earlier for the sake of the sanity of the collective that is a collateral damage for no fault other than generally being present at the same latitude-longitude-temporal combination, or specifically for having had the lack of sense to have invited two people despite being privy to the fact their frequent and predictable conversational entanglement is a matter of public record and many a resigned ‘oh no, not again’, someone needs to bite the bullet and throw in a diversionary gambit. It needs to be carefully crafted to be topical, therefore of interest to the warring parties, and also allowing the others to create distracting eddies and bring in their own (questionable) expertise into play. It must not be too edgy or controversial for fear of instigating the by now silenced pair or other latent carriers of similar verbal antagonism; a safe distance below the radar is advisable. It must have sufficient steam else there is the real chance of a relapse to status quo ante and the resultant resurgence in needlessly antagonistic verbiage leading to a proportionate decline in the general temperament of the other participants of the play. It needs to be short in the set-up…imagine having to segue into an argument with a long-winded, technically minded and hence self defeating opening statement.
Therefore my guidance to the two blighters at home…ask a question like ‘Have you seen Padmaavat? Lovely costumes, choreography…Deepika Padukone’s performance…’, by now the match is lit and the necessary quorum in attention garnered to make a happy start…many an entwined finger concealed in articles of clothing or under a bounteous posterior (advised only if such a feature is a personal property), hoping and praying sotto voce. In my case the two at home took some time to figure out that it is sub-optimal to ask the same question again and again and there are other topics like movies, politics, leaders, page 3 celebrities and their shenanigans. The converted sage advise into a joke, thereby depriving me of the paternal satisfaction of having taught them well.
Verbal Diarrhoea 